Honesty.
We all want it. From a friend. From a family member. From a partner. In return, others expect it from us. Sometimes it’s so easy to be honest with someone.
“Do these jeans make my butt look big?” Yes.
“Do you really want to see that movie?” No.
Other times being honest with someone can make our stomach churn.
“Are you really in love with me?”
“Will you ever want children?”
I stood on the street corner last night. We had just finished Trivia Night at the pub and walked down Crown street, trying to figure out our next move. Dessert? No, every pub was closing for the night. More drinks? No, because I made a strict two-drink maximum rule during the week and I had already met that at the pub. So, we just stood there in front of a convenience store, making plans for the weekend.
I’m not used to this; this thing most people called dating. I’m not used to seeing one person three times every week. I’m not used to having one person actually want to see me more than once a week.
He asked me what our next plan was. I told him I didn’t know. I’m not used to making plans that isn’t dinner or drinks with someone. Over the last two months, we’ve done a lot: Trivia Nights, dinners, cricket games, bowling, movies. It gets tough to come up with creative activities when you have already done so much with that one person.
He suggested we go running together in Centennial Park this weekend. I hesitated. This wasn’t the first time he’s asked me. I knew I had to finally tell him the truth: that I don’t like running with others. It’s just a thing that I have. I don’t like having to keep pace with someone who runs much faster or much slower. Especially now that I’m in marathon training mode.
“Why couldn’t you have just told me that the first time?”
I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to tell him that I’m selfish when it comes to running and that I need to do it alone. I didn’t want to tell him that I’m fiercely independent and that I’m not used to someone wanting to spend so much time with me.
We continued standing on the street corner.
I apologized for not being honest with him the first time. I wanted to curl up into the fetal position and hide. I could tell that my dishonesty hurt him more than if had I been honest with him the first time.
In my last relationship, I learned the importance of communication. In this whatever-you-want-to-call-it, I’m learning the importance of honesty.
I’m not sure why it was so hard for me to be honest with him upfront. Perhaps partly because I didn’t want him to think I’m this selfish runner, partly because I didn’t want him to pick up on my fierce independence, and partly because I just didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Saving face is so tricky in the beginning steps of the dating game. I still don’t know what the rules are about revealing too much or too little about yourself to the other person. I’m holding a lot back from him because I’m afraid of being vulnerable again. I’m scared of getting crushed and being abandoned again.
We switched the conversation back to making weekend plans. He wanted to know some place I want to visit that I haven’t been to yet. I had already done so much in Sydney, but I knew there was still one place I was itching to visit: Hunter Valley.
So, we made plans to drive down to Hunter Valley to do some wine tasting, explore the area and stop to watch the footy (rugby) game somewhere on the drive back to the city.
I walked away with a sinking feeling in my heart.
It’s so incredibly difficult to be completely honest with someone every time, because when you’re honest, you’re vulnerable. You put yourself (and the truth) out there, hoping to get good results. Hoping that the other person doesn’t judge you or think any less of you. Hoping that the other person still wants to make weekend plans with you.
{photo credit: pinterest}
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I am really enjoying reading your insights. I can say with confidence that I not only agree but have come to terms with not only being honest with others but more importantly myself.